Sex Education in the Home

Sex education in the Home Many parents want to be a part of their child’s sex education. Societal values about sex are constantly changing, and parents are trying to make sure their children don’t rely solely on society and media for their sex education. It’s common for parents to be concerned about how much should children see, or how much they should be told. Many parents, even some who are comfortable with their own sexuality, have difficulty judging the “best” way to react to their children’s sexuality. The following information we hope can offer you some answers to these questions about talking with kids about sex. I do not pretend to know everything about raising sexually healthy children, so take this information as a guide. Hopefully this will aid you in your efforts to provide meaningful sex education fro your children, either now or in the future. Answering Children’s Questions About Sex Parents often ask us when they should start telling their children about sex. One answer is, when the child begins to ask questions. It seems typical for children to be naturally curious about sex along with the myriad of random questions about the world around them. Research has indicated that by about age 4, most children begin asking questions about how babies are made (Martinson, 1994). One may ask, what is more natural than to want to know where you came from? Parents can end the sex talk right here if they react with embarrassment or uneasiness. Kids pay attention to your non-verbal cues as well as what you are saying. Did you get a flushed face? Did you stammer over your words? Or better yet did you redirect their question with a “That sounds like a question for your mother (father),” or “You’re not old enough to learn about that yet”. Putting off questions at this early age means that you may be confronted with the potentially awkward task of starting a dialogue on sexual matters at a later point in your children’s development. “When I was 5 years old I asked my oldest sister where babies came from. She was very uncomfortable answering my question and replied, “Honey, I think we need to wait till you are a bit older to talk about that”. I hated her answer! Later that day my sister asked me where something was and I replied, “Maybe I’ll tell you when you are a little bit older”. (Authors’ files) It helps to include information about sex and growing up (when appropriate) in everyday conversations that your children either observe or participate in. I like to call these “teachable moments”. When you do this regularly you create a send of ease and naturalness about sex. For example, a family member or neighbor is pregnant. You could ask your child if they know how that happens or how that baby gets out. If a child is not asking questions about sex there might be a point when you as a parent will feel it is important to begin to talk about sex. It is ok to tell your child that the topic makes you uneasy but that it is important enough that you are going to try to talk about it anyways. By expressing your own uneasiness (if you have any), you may actually make yourself more accessible or what I call “askable”. This may be enough to say to leave the door open for future discussions. If no questions follow this first effort, it might be wise to bring up sex again yourself. Some suggestions for open-ended questions to begin with include the following: o How do you feel about the changes in your body? o What do you think sex is? o What do you know about where babies come from? o What are some of the things that your friends tell you about sex? Parents sometimes tend to overload a child who expects a brief, straightforward answer to his or her question about sex. For example, 5 year olds who ask, “Where did I come from?” probably are not asking for the entire explanation on conception. It is probably more helpful to just briefly discuss the basics of sexual intercourse. Often times a brief explanation will prompt further questions. For example, to the question above a mother might respond, “You came from a special place in my body called a uterus.” A child most likely will ask, “How did I get in there?” And so the conversation continues with a basic explanation of what sex is and how your child got in your uterus. It is also a good idea to check to see whether your child has understood your answer to his or her question about sex. When young children want more information, they will probably ask for it, provided that an adult has been responsive to their initial questions. When a child first asks a question what I like to do is first, praise them for asking such a wonderful question and then ask them what they think it means. For example, “Dad, what is sex?”, “Well sweetheart I’m so glad you asked me that question, tell me what you know about sex first and I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks”. This way you know how much information to say, and if your child is really asking you what you think they are asking you. Maybe your child saw the word “sex” on a form you were filling out at the doctor’s office. By asking your child what they know about something you can gage better what level of information they are asking for and are ready for. This also gives you an opportunity to correct any misinformation they may have received from somewhere else. “I was in the car with my 9 year old nephew, his friend, and my 7 year old niece. They were laughing about something that happened at school that day and how they were telling two kids to “Go get a room”. I laughed at first and asked them what that meant. My nephew replied, “To go get a room”. I naturally asked, “Well what will they do in there”, and he said “Make-out”, I asked “Is that it?” “Yep”.(Authors’ files) Some parents believe that is inappropriate to tell their children that sexual interaction is pleasurable. Others conclude that there is value in discussing the joy of sex with their children. Reluctance to express the message that sex can be enjoyable can stem fro parents’ concern that children will rush right out to find out what kind of good times they have been missing. There is little evidence to support such apprehension. There are, however, many unhappy lovers striving to overcome early messages about dirtiness and immorality of sex. Initiating Conversations When Children Do Not Ask Questions Some topics never get discussed, at least not at the proper time, unless parents are willing to take the initiative. This includes certain aspects of sexual maturation that a child may not consider until he or she experiences them. These include menstruation, first ejaculation, and nocturnal orgasms. Experience with first menstruation or ejaculation can come as quite a shock to the unprepared, as revealed in the following anecdotes: “My mother never told me about menstruation so when I first got it I thought I was dieing and began crying hysterically at school”. (Authors’ files) “I remember the first time I ejaculated during masturbation. At first I couldn’t believe it when something shot out of my penis. The only thing I could figure is that I had whipped up my urine. However, considering earlier lectures from my mother about the evils of “playing with yourself,” I was afraid that God was punishing me for my sinful behavior.” (Authors’ files) It is important that young people are aware of the physiological changes before they actually happen. Children’s natural curiosity about sex might cause them to discuss these topics with friends, who are usually not the most reliable sources of information. It is certainly better for parents to provide a more accurate description of these natural events. Most young people prefer that their parents be the primary source of sex information and that their mothers and fathers share equally in this responsibility (Hutchinson & Cooney, 1998; Kreinin et al., 2001; Somers & Surmann, 2004). Research indicates that fewer than 20% of parents engage in meaningful dialogue about sex with their children (Davtyan, 2000; Howard & McCabe, 1990). This is unfortunate, because children and teenagers can benefit greatly from candid discussions with their parents about sex. To the extent that parents do take an active role in the sex education of their children, mothers are far more likely than fathers to fulfill this function (Ackard & Neumarek-Sztainer, 2001; Hutchinson & Cooney, 1998). Unfortunately, most American parents do not provide adequate sex education to their children (Kreinin et al., 2001; Meschke et al., 2000). Research has revealed that even where there is close and open communication between parents and children, sex often is not discussed (Fisher, 1987). Several studies haves shown that friends are the principal source of information about sex for young people in the United States (Kreinin et al., 2001; Starr, 1997). Thus the gap created by lack of information in the home is likely to be filled with incorrect information from peers and other sources (Whitaker & Miller, 2000). This can have serious consequences; for example, an adolescent may hear from friends that a girl will not get pregnant if she has sex on her period. Peers may also encourage traditional gender-role behavior, and they often put pressure on each other to become sexually active. Thus the challenge for parents is whether they want to become actively involved in their children’s sex education, minimizing some of the pitfalls faced by children and adolescents who turn to their peer for sex (mis)information. Parents may hesitate to discuss sex with their children for fear that this would encourage early sexual experimentation. However, there is no clear evidence that sex education in the home contributes to either irresponsible sexual activity or an increased likelihood of adolescent sexual behavior. Moreover, adolescent children who openly, positively, and frequently communicate with their parents about sex are more likely to have fewer sexual partners and later and less frequent sexual activity than teenagers who do not talk to their parents about sex (Jaccard et al., 2000; Meschke et al., 2000; K. Miller et al., 1999). Furthermore, positive parent-adolescent communication about sex has been linked to decrease risk of contracting STDs, more effective and consistent use of birth control, and decrease incidence of teenage pregnancies (Halpern-Felsher et al., 2004; Lehr et al., 2005; Stone & Ingham, 2002). To learn about Programs that Help Parents and Kids Talk “THE TALK” Together go to www.thetalkinstitute.com Information taken from: Our Sexuality, Tenth Edition. Robert Crooks & Karla Baur. Thomson Wadsworth Publishing, 2008.

The Talk Institute was founded by Jennifer Barber in an effort to assist parents with communicating with their children about difficult to discuss topics. As many of the rest of us growing up, she struggled with communicating with her own parents about the uncomfortable topic of sex. She has since had an invested interest in teen pregnancy prevention and has found that one of the strongest protective factors in this is a strong parent/child relationship. Jennifer's education background includes a Bachelor's degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Public Health. She teaches Human Sexuality and Women and their Bodies part time at two local colleges and has been in the field of sex education for over 9 years. With experience working directly with parents and their children teaching them about sexuality together she has practiced saying the words that work with over 1000 families and developed curriculum to do it.





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